When violence enters the news — a school shooting, an attack on a community, an act that makes parents reach for their phones before their children wake up — the questions start almost immediately.
Do I tell them? How much? What do I say if they ask whether it could happen here?
This post was originally recorded after the Parkland school shooting in February 2018. The guidance in the video has been shared many times since — after school shootings, after community violence, after events that left parents searching for the right words. The strategies hold regardless of what happened or where.
Below is a summary of the key guidance, followed by the full video.
How to Talk to Children about Violence — Key Guidance by Age
Start with safety, not information
The first thing most children need is reassurance, not explanation. Before answering questions about what happened, let children know they are safe. Schools are safe places. There are adults watching out for them. Any feelings they are having — fear, confusion, sadness, anger — are understandable and okay.
Children communicate feelings in different ways. Some will ask questions directly. Others will hover, become clingy, or seem quieter than usual. Younger children may need a concrete outlet — drawing, imaginative play, or looking at a picture book together. Follow their lead rather than opening a conversation they are not ready for. The questions they ask will tell you how much information they actually need.
Calibrate what you say to the child’s age
For younger children, keep explanations brief, simple, and grounded. Focus on the safety systems already in place — locked school doors, emergency drills, trusted adults nearby. They do not need the full picture. They need to feel protected.
For upper elementary and early middle school children, expect more questions. Children this age want to know whether they are truly safe and may need help separating what actually happened from what they are imagining. You can talk concretely about what schools and communities do to prevent violence — the role of school administrators, communication with police and fire departments, and what “see something, say something” actually means in practice.
For older middle and high school students, expect opinions. Teenagers are forming their own views about why violence happens and what should change. That is developmentally appropriate. Acknowledge their perspective. You can also talk with them directly about their role — reporting concerns, not allowing strangers into secured school buildings, and using the mental health supports available to them at school.
Limit news exposure — for yourself and for your children
This is one of the most practical and underused strategies. After a violent event, the news cycle runs continuously and often graphically. Pay attention to what is on the screen when your children are in the room. That includes the phone in your hand. Developmentally inappropriate images and commentary can amplify anxiety significantly, particularly in younger children.
This applies to adults, too. Processing what happened matters. Watching the same footage on a loop does not help.
Keep an eye on behavior over the following days
Most children will return to their normal patterns within a few days. Watch for persistent changes in sleep, appetite, or behavior, as this may show that they are having a hard time managing the stress. For children who have experienced previous trauma, loss, or who have existing anxiety or mental health concerns, the reaction may be stronger, and they may benefit from professional support.
Maintain routine
One of the most stabilizing things a family can do after a frightening event is return to normal life as quickly as possible. Regular meals, consistent sleep, school, and extracurricular activities. Routine signals to children that the world is predictable and manageable — which is exactly what they need to hear right now.
One practical step worth taking tonight
If you do not already have emergency contact numbers posted somewhere visible in your home, tonight is a good time to do that. Names and numbers — neighbors, grandparents, trusted adults. Include 911, the local non-emergency police line, and poison control. For families with older children and teenagers, the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is worth adding as well.
Resources
Talking to Children about Lockdown Drills
Helping Children Manage Stress
Read Next
- After-School Meltdown: What’s Actually Happening in the Brain
- Why Teens Give One-Word Answers (And Why It’s Not a Communication Problem)
- Helping Kids Stay Engaged at the Passover Seder
- Passover Planning for Families: Introducing the Pesach Command Center
- Why the Passover Seder Is Designed Around Children
Trackbacks/Pingbacks