This week, my oldest finishes high school.
There will be a ceremony, some pictures, and a quiet sense that something important has shifted. Not all at once, and not always in ways that are obvious—but enough to notice that we’re standing at a threshold.
A lot has been written about what kids need at moments like this. Less attention is paid to what parents need to change.
Because while parenting doesn’t end here, the job itself does.
The moment we don’t talk about enough
When children move through big milestones, we often think in binary terms: holding on versus letting go. Stay involved or step back. Be strict or be permissive. Offer guidance or get out of the way.
Those frames miss something important.
What’s actually happening is not an ending, but a handoff.
A handoff isn’t about disappearing, and it’s not about maintaining control. It’s about redesigning responsibility—deciding what stays with us as parents, what moves to our children, and how that transfer happens intentionally rather than by default.
This is where many parenting problems begin.
Why skipping the handoff creates problems later
In my work with parents of teens and young adults, I often see two patterns emerge when this moment isn’t handled thoughtfully.
Some parents continue to hold responsibility long after their child is ready to take it on. They continue to manage, remind, intervene, and solve—not because they don’t trust their child, but because they’re unsure what their role is supposed to become. Over time, this can quietly undermine confidence and initiative.
Other parents do the opposite. They interpret “letting go” as stepping away entirely. Support drops off suddenly, expectations become vague, and the structure that once held things together disappears overnight. That gap can be just as destabilizing.
Both approaches tend to produce downstream issues that don’t show up right away—but surface later as conflict, avoidance, or repeated crises.
The problem isn’t effort. It’s design.
Parenting as a systems problem
One of the core ideas behind innovative parenting is that many challenges aren’t solved by better reactions, but by better systems. Transitions like this make that especially clear.
High school ending doesn’t just change a child’s schedule. It changes how decisions get made, who owns which consequences, and how support is offered. If we don’t take time to think about those shifts, old patterns often stay in place long after they stop fitting.
This is why I think of this stage as a job change for parents.
The responsibilities don’t disappear—but they do reorganize. Our task becomes less about directing and more about designing conditions where our children can practice independence while still knowing support exists.
What I’m noticing in myself
Standing at this moment as both a parent and a psychologist, I’ve been paying attention to what I feel tempted to do.
It’s tempting to jump ahead—to anticipate problems that haven’t happened yet, or to offer solutions before they’re needed. It’s also tempting to pull back prematurely, assuming that staying out of the way is the same as respecting independence.
Neither extreme feels right.
Instead, I find myself asking different questions than I used to:
- What does support look like now, given who my child is becoming?
- Where does structure still matter, even if it looks different?
- What responsibilities am I ready to hand over—and which ones am I not?
These aren’t questions with one-time answers. They’re part of an ongoing adjustment.
The real work of the handoff
The hardest part of a handoff isn’t trusting our kids. It’s tolerating the uncertainty that comes with changing roles.
When we don’t pause to reflect at moments like this, we often default to familiar patterns—not because they’re right, but because they’re known. That’s how small misalignments turn into bigger problems later on.
This is also why prevention matters here. The goal isn’t to get everything perfect, but to think intentionally before new habits harden and expectations drift.
As our kids move forward, the question isn’t whether we’re still parenting.
It’s whether we’re parenting the role we’re actually in.
